Missy Barrett's Adventures

The amazing adventures of a fictional child

Missy Reviews The Star Wars Movie

on December 20, 2015

Yesterday, my brothers and me went to see the new Star Wars movie.  It was a action-adventure movie, and everybody on Facebook and at my school are talking about it so I thought I’d do a kind of book report of the movie.

First of all, there’s this guy that starts the movie and it’s Po all grown up from the Teletubbies.  Besides his name, probably you’re wondering how I know that’s who it is.  It’s because he has a lot of red on his jacket that the other guy Fin gets to wear when he gets lost, but that’s later in the movie.

The other Teletubbies aren’t at the beginning of the movie, but Po has a friend and it’s Wall-E from the movie Wall-E.  When the bad guys in white show up, that mixed me up because everybody knows that bad guys are supposed to wear black.  It’s always like that in cowboy movies and in black-and-white movies.  And plus, my grandmas are always saying that it’s superly hard to keep white clothes clean, so it makes no sense to me that these guys have white uniforms.  Those things are going to always be in the laundry to get cleaned.

Anyway, Wall-E runs away because Po makes him run away, and then Scrooge tells the soldiers to take Po inside the spaceship.  I know it’s Scrooge because he has a cape just like Scrooge in the Christmas movie, and plus he’s grumpy just like Scrooge in the Christmas movie.  Then they all go up inside a way bigger space ship.

That’s where Po meets Fin, and they run away together except that they crash back on the planet where Po got taken off of first so they don’t get too far.  Fin can’t find Po so he walks really far until he gets to a place where he meets Zelda from the video game.  I know that some people say Zelda is a boy, but if they watch this movie, they’ll see Zelda is actually a girl, not a boy.

Then they run away in this really big ship except they get caught be a really old guy and a Wookie.  But that’s not bad because they have the old guy’s first ship and it looks like it’s his first ship because it’s really old and messed up, and so it the old guy.  His name is Han Solo.

I don’t know what the Wookie’s name is.  They never said anywhere in the movie, but if he was my pet dog, I would call him something like Brutus or Caesar because those are two names from a play my brother, Josh, is reading at school.  I think probably Brutus would be the best name for the big dog:  Brutus Wookie Dog.

Anyway, there’s two gangs that show up on the ship and three really huge monsters, and then everybody gets away from everybody else.

So then everybody shows up on another planet and that’s where meets Laa-laa.  She grew up to be a Princess General and that’s really cool except that maybe Po or maybe Laa-laa went through some weird space warp thing because Laa-laa got older way faster than Po, so I don’t know what’s up with that.

Then the old guy and Laa-laa get all gushy romanticky, and everybody finds out that they got married and had a kid together and it’s the Scrooge guy I mentioned before.  That really weirded me out because that just feels wrong to me all over the place.

But anyway, Laa-laa stays where she is and everybody else gets back in the old ship that everybody is calling a falcon and that’s wrong because a falcon is a bird, and this is a really old ship that Roy would call a bucket of nuts’n’bolts.  That means it’s not very reliable and probably is going to break down when you need it to not break down the most.

Off they go to another planet where they meet this funny looking lady with a really big head and great big glasses.  I don’t know what game she’s from but I’m thinking maybe it’s from something like Spyro because she kind of looks like a dragon but with no wings you can see (maybe they’re hiding under her clothes).  But maybe she’s one of the things from the video game with Banjo and Kazooie because maybe Scrooge has a sister and her name is Gruntilda.

Anyway, a big fight happens when the bad guy and his white soldiers show up, and he steals Zelda and takes her up to the bigger spaceship.  That’s when we find out he’s not Scrooge.  He’s actually Professor Snape.  Nobody else from Hogwart’s is there yet but my brothers said that there’s going to be two more movies after this one, so maybe Harry Potter is going to show up with Hermione Grainger and Ron Weasley.

But they get away except not before Han Solo and Fin and Brutus Wookie Dog try to fix everything, and then we find out that the really old guy (Han Solo) is Professor Snape’s dad.  I didn’t see THAT coming!

But Professor Snape kills his dad and then everything blows up inside the building, and the sun gets covered up by clouds, and that makes the planet start to blow up on itself for some reason except I don’t get how come.  I guess it’s because the building that started blowing up has lots of levels underneath it and maybe it went to a fracking place that disintegrated the whole planet (like what Marvin the Martian does on Bugs Bunny that one time).

Then everybody runs away again and goes back to where Laa-laa lives.  Then Zelda and Brutus Wookie Dog get back in flying bucket (because that’s what I think I’m going to call it so nobody gets mixed up over what spaceship they’re in) and they fly to another place that has lots of water on it.

That’s where Zelda meets a homeless guy on the top of a green mountain.  He doesn’t have anything, so she gives him this plastic thing she got in the movie that sometimes has a long light on it that she uses like a sword.  She shows it to him, but he doesn’t take it, and I think it’s because she’s giving it to him wrong.

My mom ways that when you hand something like scissors or a screwdriver or a knife to somebody (and a knife is like a really small sword), you have to give that handle first so you don’t accidentally stab the other person.  Maybe the homeless man is scared to take the plastic thing because he’s worried that Zelda is going to do to him what Professor Snape did to Han Solo.

And that’s when the movie ends. Just like that.  Just starts with the end credits and nobody gets to find out if the homeless guy takes the plastic thing, or if Zelda gives him blankets and new socks and some food to eat.

I didn’t hate this movie because it had a lot of action and adventure.  But I also didn’t like this movie because I don’t get it.  I also don’t get why it was called “The Force Awakens” because nobody was asleep (except for somebody in the back row and he was snoring but not every theater’s going to have a sleeping guy that needs to get woken up).

I give this movie three stars out of five for fun, and five stars out of five for mixing people up.

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